Love or reason?
by ILoveKuramaTooMuch
Summary: He felt so alone, all reasons to live lost in a moment... Only pain kept him alive, forced him to struggle, not to give up yet. And then he found his light again? slight shonen-ai/YomixKurama,PLs review!


**Kurama's**

'Yomi, do you hear me? Can you hear me now?....

You used to have your spying devices scattered all over my mother's garden and even in the nearest surroundings. I was nearly out of my mind with anger when I found about that. Now I would give anything.... and everything for having just one of them somewhere near around... so you could hear me...

It would have never crossed my mind that I would ever think the way I do just now, that I would feel the need to voice this feeling, but.... I miss you. Of all the beings I came to meet after Kuronue's death you've become the one I was going to miss so much it hurts.

It wasn't before your invitation before the Makai tournament that I realized what was I missing in my life. It went almost useless through all those past years. I found the same moment your projection appeared right before my eyes delivering your deep voice to me through the most unexpected way I would think of, knowing it was from you. It brought me nearly to my knees had Hiei not come in at that moment. With no time to face my renewed feelings, I just proceeded to breathe them through. I've decided that instant to take up on your offer, feeling a bit like I owed you for the unforgivable treat I gave to your life, taking your light from you, or.... something else that had to be seen yet.

However I had to start thinking more about you once I entered the Makai considering those rather unpleasant and vicious demons which you sent instead of welcome. After you so calmly announced that my beloved mother with her newly married husband became hostage to you. After I willingly brought my demon friends under master Genkai's training so they could serve to increase your powers once they were ready. I really felt like the biggest fool in the three worlds. Not that that was enough, once there I found myself trapped at your will because you wanted to ensure my loyalty which you've already had.... That hurt even more.

Surprisingly most of my privileges including even leaving for the Ningenkai had come straight from you too. This was something special you oddly did just for my sake and it really upset Youda who didn't understand it at all. But then again he always disliked my opinions and suggestions, simply objecting each one of them as if they weren't even worth a thought. You on the other side considered seriously everything I had said without farther objections, which confused me a lot. Well, until I realized it was not my past of a demon thief which convinced you to act this way. That I did not notice how eager you actually were to have me by your side in the uncertain times that were about to come the same incredible way that made me leaving the Ningenkai for you, having those I loved and cared most about left behind without even a backwards glance...

Not being given the chance to look into your eyes again (_Gods, I wish I were not the one responsible for causing your blindness! It haunted me down all those years that I might act so cruel against someone who loved me! _) I still managed to find whatever of your feelings you thought you should hide before me. As you became dependent only on your sharpened senses you forgot that your body could become a traitor to your heart too. I saw the way your fingers shook slightly every time we talked, your heartbeat ran fast almost beyond borders anytime we touched occasionally, should I come to stand right at your side, your body would start trembling, almost invisible for a human eye to see but not for my sharpened demon eyes. You always tilted your head at my direction trying to catch my voice with your oversensitive ears, no matter how far I was from you at the moment. Did you really think that wearing the mask of an evil and cold-hearted would scare me so I would fail notice that? Well it had not. And to top it all you almost immediately set me up as your advisor and second in command bringing me this high even before I got any chance to prove my rights and abilities for claiming this posture. Later, instead of just being grateful that you spared my worthless life I betrayed you for the second time, thousand years after I first did, unable to find any better solution about how to stop your horrible and scaring plans...

----

Standing in our garden I sink down slowly to sit on the ground at the roots of my mother´s favorite sakura, feeling my thoughts wildly coursing through my head. I left my stepfather back in the house to take care of all the relatives which came to my mother's burial reception. Feeling the almost unbearable need to get out from the overcrowded house I left for my favorite spot in the garden. Since I was an infant my Mother Shiori used to like this place, always spending our private moments together under this one tree never mentioning that it never stopped blooming.

What now? I didn´t know. I felt like I was totally empty, like I even didn´t have a soul anymore. I wanted to scream my lungs off of my pain! ... My Mother... my beloved human Mother Shiori.... was dead.

My first wish when they told us about her death at the hospital was to cut my life at the moment, so I could be with her again and forever. Then I thought I could try to exchange my life for hers through the Forlorn Hope again. I was however stopped in my activities, though pain ripped at my heart, when Koenma told me something that made me stop: „ You understand, your stepfather convinced her somehow to have another child with him that would come of his own blood. Though she wouldn't like to conceive again in her years she had granted his wish in attempt to make him happy, although she knew it would be dangerous for her. Do you believe it wouldn't have repeated once she would come back to him with all the love she felt for him?" I knew immediately he was right, though the idea of giving up my mother's life tore me in half. Somewhere in my mind I asked silently, why mother never told me this before.

The next few days after her death I went on like some kind of robot, taking care of everything the way one would expect from Shiori's oldest son. After my return from Koenma's I focused my mind to the funeral arrangements and took care of my younger stepbrother, trying desperately to avoid any thoughts of her that would break me down easily enough to lose my sanity should I allow them to face my mind. It was just that right now I felt too exhausted almost behind the breaking point ...

I couldn't bear the thought of her death any longer, it simply hurt too much! Not that my stepfather's and stepbrother's sorrow were of any help turning down my efforts to get over it. And all those plain words about her doctors not caring enough and making one mistake upon the other by that, which my relatives would have repeated endlessly, when I knew what the truth was! You see, nothing in the world, not even looking for anyone to blame on for your pain would prepare you to face the death taking away someone you loved so dearly...

It took out whatever of my energy left not to break down at my loss when facing my surroundings. Maybe I should shift into my Youko form; maybe it could ease my grieving if only a little bit. I remembered myself being really emotionless and cold-hearted in my Youko demon past. Last when I felt that cold inward was when Kuronue died. And by now I still can not even bring his name upon my mind without tears coming into my eyes. My whole world, my life, my love, my breath, had been taken from me in a blink of an eye due to one silly mistake. Those months after my lover's death it was you, Yomi, who took care of me when I was mourning His loss, it was you who went to avenge his murder and then took the punishment for this from me with no compliance. You managed to bear everything that crossed my crazy-like mind, standing put at my side, silently avoiding whatever mistake I was to make by my carelessness and later also in my unspoken attempts to end my poor life without Him. I never perceived your care as the time still continued coming around me still being alive, never noticed that in your despair you were forced to sacrifice everything to bring me back to life, including even your love, your happiness and the light within your eyes at the end. Even being succesfull you became the one who lost the match. And Yoko Kurama never thanked you for what you have done for him because he didn't care, lost in his own dark thoughts. He closed his heart feeling unworthy of anyone's attention, definitely starting to act like the cold and cruel demon he already was. And as he did so, I continued the same way. Well, until now...

Such a fool I was!!!

A thousand years is a very long time, even for someone with a demon lifespan. So many things got changed. Though our feelings stayed the same I think we got to better know ourselves during that time coming to terms with the way our feelings should take once we met in the future again. I might have taken up on your invitation, might have stayed by your side because you wanted me there and to protect my ningen family and … because I wanted it myself too.... Still I managed to keep my mind clear enough to leave when your hidden tendencies to make me join the fight for the Makai by your side were revealed. I knew at the end you would have made me to kill my friends, my family and everyone I cared about and to take over the Makai and the Ningenkai in one step along with you.

Too bad you felt this way being the only right one for you... I just could not simply break everything I believed in and sacrifice it for your goals. I mean, it was all my human life has been about. I just could not throw it out useless, even for you.

But now … I don't know what to do with my life: It just seems like there is nothing left to keep me in this world any longer. Sitting on the ground leaning my back against the sakura I can hear its delicate blossoms whisper her name to the wind, so softly it makes me feel like her loving hand is caressing my cheek. Now I see: she was the only reason and with her gone no one back there in the house does mean enough to me to keep me here.

An unbearable pain gripping constantly at my chest made me almost insane. Maybe if I just had committed suicide by my very first thought, I could be given a chance to meet mother or my beloved Kuronue at the other side. Happily, remembering my beloved and picking up at all the happy moments they had brought to my past life helped me realize there was one more possibility how to break through the darkness I felt within my heart and soul.

You may not be the ruler of Gandura any more but as far as I know you still keep your influence all across the Makai, being wealthy enough to keep your life on a very comfortable level... and that you still keep your old ways how to learn just about everything. I knew you could easily get me out of here, that only speaking your wish would be enough to move things on to get the portal opened for me...

Tears started leaking down my cheeks as I made my mind and let my heart speak for me, not bothering myself to find if anyone could hear my words anymore:

„„Yomi, can you hear me now? Would you let me come back to you? I know I have no right to ask, but I need you...I miss you.... I need your help... Please..." my voice trailed off shaking with my last words... and then only my quiet sobs and a dead silence without hope fell all around me. Like some kind of desperate scream would come to its end...

**Yomi´s**

That time at the Makai tournament I took seriously everything you've said, that you would never give up. Since then I'd known you would be coming back one day in the future. Though you denied it, your words spoke volumes for your true feelings. Those words spoke for your heart, bringing out your hidden demon desires to light up my darkened world. No one was able to hear them except me for this had happened only a few minutes after you almost got killed when fighting Shigure at the Makai tournament, abandoning your demon side at the same time leaving your Yoko Kurama´s past behind. I knew better than to think you would deceive me considering the condition you were at after the fight. So I continued waiting patiently, alone in my darkness. Through my two-thousand years long life I had to learn patience and I did. The way I always sought your each step made my own people think I was seeking revenge but I never stopped my activities though the Makai tournament was already over. I am also suspicious of my son and Youda thinking I went crazy as they suddenly started to turn my quiet world upside down. But then ... I was too grateful to have at least someone by my side.

My new life settled on ruling my estate, trainings with my son and entertaining myself every possible way a wealthy Makai lord like me could dream of - during the days.

And bringing out every memory of you and only you - at my lonely nights...

Hours were when I would just listen carefully to the recordings from my spies, putting little pieces of your life together like some kind of puzzle, bringing your beautiful voice closer to my ears and your personality closer to my heart. Years ago you've said that knowledge makes success. Later as my advisor already you once admitted I brought this idea to its perfection, though sounding almost disgusted with me. Only in my mind there was a small completion added to it which said that without knowing how to keep your information safe the success wouldn't last long. This was exactly what allowed me to get so close to you and Kuronue in the past. I think you already knew my way. And I knew you knew.... But than that was you, the famous Yoko Kurama, always the crafting and cunning thief all over the Makai! I just didn't understand when this little game turned on its heels into one-hell of an all-breaking deadly spiral:

_Have you ever known I was responsible for Kuronue''s death?_

_And did you know I knew about the assassin you hired in attempt to get rid of me?_

_Would you ever bother to tell me why did you come to help me then?_

Your answer had come unspoken only short after we had been left alone at the end of the strategy meeting with my generals you took part on by my side for the first time. With horror I realized you've already started working for my good even before you had to come to the Makai, finding those gorgeous demon fighters and leaving them under the training to get their skills improved for they were meant to stabilize and increase my powers. You did it yourself I even didn't have to ask! You did it for me because it was for me! Instead of being thrilled at your readiness I managed to make the almost biggest mistake in my life trying to imprison you captured first and then by making the threat against your precious mother's life. After that I only had to listen as your voice has gotten colder definitely loosing all of its warmth by every passing second, unable to do anything about it. I could only feel not even watch as you almost started to hate me because of my intelligence taking over my heart....

I should have known you would've come willingly, that there was no need for me to force it on you the way I once did. You would have come just because of the memory of the old times. How could I be so blind about you (but than I really was)! Maybe you thought you owed me for the guilt you felt for my blindness. Knowing I was the only one responsible for Kuronue's death I silently vowed never to reveal my dark secrets to you knowing you could never forgive me. It haunted me down all the years after that fatal disaster that my love caused me to commit such a terrible crime that hurt the only person I loved. It was simply unforgivable and cost me the highest price: my light and my love....

Such a bitter irony!

The only thing remained for me was to wait. Follow your words and wait should you ever find you needed my help again. So I put my spying devices back to your home bringing your every secret moment to me, wanting to learn everything about you to get to know your human form better for you'd just abandoned the demon one at the Makai tournament. I believe you always knew they were there. But you let it be.... and now their time came:

„Yomi, can you hear me now? Would you let me come back to you? I know I have no right to ask, but I need you...I miss you.... I need your help... Please..."

In my mind's eye I can see you in the garden, alone, leaning against the tree broken to the very soul, crying. I would give up all my diamonds for being able to open the portal to Makai myself right now so I could get to you, hold you, help you...!

Correction, not all of them, of course (damn those overwhelming emotions were just speaking for me!), but if I am not mistaken right now there is a current need of my money speaking for me on the right places. Or I would lose you for good.

At a sudden lightning stream hitting the ground within a few meters where the redhead sat on the ground a light-blue window slowly appeared in the air:

"Too late!" cried Yomi somewhere miles away though so close to that world his friend always put up above his own life. Faster than Yomi managed to reach the transporting centre, Kurama disappeared from the sight.

**Forgiven yet loved**

Wait, what's that? It looks almost like….

Startled Kurama turned to the strange blue window struggling with himself if he should enter or not. He was not sure this would be Yomi's answer to his formal plea for it could be some kind of an enemy trap as well. But this time he felt desperate enough to do almost anything to keep him from his pain.

Cautiously taking one step, then another, Kurama's ears caught his stepbrother's voice calling him from the front of the garden. "Little Bro?" he whispered quietly. He was the only one innocent in this for he did nothing wrong. Kurama should stay here for him. But was that enough? Schuuichi already had his father and aunts and uncles to take care of him, so he wouldn't actually need his stepbrother's help. "I am sorry, my little brother. I love you" said the young man quietly as he approached the portal again, "you see, there's someone waiting for me, who wants me enough to skip the memory of the past to bring some happiness into my life again. I pray you will come to understand my reason once you are older."

Stepping through the portal Kurama began changing forms leaving his stepbrother behind watching in awe as his older brother's red hair suddenly lengthened almost to his knees as they blend silver and something like small pointed ears appeared on the top of his head. His form began to shift and grow taller getting on a more defined muscular shape. As Kurama disappeared from Kokota's view he didn't hear his brother's terrified scream as the younger boy ran back to the house…

Somewhere in the Makai Kurama in his demon form stepped out from the portal. Looking almost ethereal the silver kitsune stood still in the middle of a bare, rather unpleasantly looking land, his hair blowing wildly in the stormy breeze. "What am I doing here?" Kurama whispered to himself. "My heart still aches, truth to be told it got even worse with my demon soul in charge and it didn't help to resolve my inner battle any little. I should have known better than to take this form on. I had felt exactly the same way after Kuronue had died right before my eyes. And here I pried my strategy skills!" Laughing mockingly at his last thought Kurama suddenly caught a hint of familiar ki approaching from behind him. Turning at the direction he could easily see a tall form of the person coming into his view, slowly recognizing some familiar features like those waist-long silky black hair playing gently with the wind, those small horns on the man's head, those careful steps….

"Yomi?"…

The deep shadows of Makai's purple night hid the horned demon only to reveal him a moment later in wild lightning crossing the sky as he walked straight at the direction Kurama stood.

'Someone who had once shared the past with me, who had taken care of me countless times when I was unable to bear my grieving, someone who once wanted to bring some happiness into my life, someone I can love again… But what if he won´t allow me?...'

There was an awkward moment as the demon lord approached Kurama, crossing like a thousand years length between them with one cautious step under the dark sky, facing his former Second in command. Standing frozen within the reach, one man tried to listen and find anything about the other while using his already sharpened senses, the kitsune tempting somewhat to regain control of his whirling emotions… Giving up his pride momentarily, Kurama bowed his silver head in a posture of despair and submission as his words came out in what seemed to be barely a whisper to the older man's ears: "Yomi, it was you? I thought you were mad at me and hated me..." His uncertain voice trembled once again as he suddenly was overwhelmed with his painful emotions again, only this time feeling even more helpless and much more vulnerable, not sure what he should expect from his former boss, but feeling the strong urge of being comforted that it almost hurt. When nothing happened, an unbearable pain gripped at his heart, his vision slowly blackened and the words he meant to speak hitched back at his throat. He managed to reach for Yomi's hand in a light touch before he fell unconscious to the ground... "My kitsune"…. Yomi managed to catch Kurama's falling form before it hit the ground finishing his words in his mind "I am here for you. Trust me and I will help you, old friend. I will bring you to life again..."

Shifting his precious prey in his strong arms a bit to settle the body more comfortable against himself, Yomi turned and walked back to his castle. Once there the lord headed straight for his private chambers, stopping only to talk shortly to his housewife giving some necessary orders to her. In his bedroom Yomi gently lay the unconscious Youko down upon his huge bed. Just then the housewife discretely appeared once again at the door bringing a plate of food for him and a cup of herbal tea for Kurama. Yomi simply motioned for her to leave the food on the small table standing between two of the three large windows at the opposite wall to the bed. Standing back by his bed Yomi could feel Kurama's ki getting rather unstable dropping slightly with each of the kitsune's breaths. Obviously he didn't feel good. 'He must be exhausted, emotionally drained too. Those last days proved to be very hard for his gentle heart because he never cries', Yomi mused under his breath. Thinking quickly of any help, Yomi decided to feed Kurama his ki in attempt to get the younger demon stable again. after getting changed into a pair of loose grey trousers the Makai lord carefully took the other man´s shirt off leaving his upper torso bare, slipped under the deep red silken sheets and reached for Kurama's limp body, pulling him into his tight embrace immediately. The Youko had his head now rested against Yomi's broad chest, his silver hair coming right under the taller demon's chin. Gently Yomi began roaming his hands over Kurama's arms and back surrounding the kitsune with his strong demon ki, barely able to hide his excitement at the opportunity given to meet all the beauty with his curious but loving hands like for the first time. Stroking his hand through Kurama's silky hair Yomi let his mind pick up on the other demon's saddened emotions. Though a few more hours left before Kurama started to waken the older demon never got to any sleep as he silently watched all those painful thoughts hurting his beloved's gentle heart…

--

Black lashes softly touched the pale skin of a soft cheek like small butterfly wings before his golden eyes fluttered open. Not recognizing the place Kurama looked up only to find one of the most powerful Makai's demons crying silent tears, his black haired head hung down, his face stormed with emotions he had discovered just a while ago within the Youko's heart.

Long pale fingers flew up to caress the older demon's damp cheek softly and Yomi leaned into the touch. Hearing Kurama whisper "should I leave you alone, my Lord?" however brought that weak moment to a short end and he almost screamed: "You are supposed to call me Yomi from now on! Don't you ever dare to "my Lord" me again! If you still did not get it I love you Kurama. So please save me from all those empty words and talk to me on an equal level!" Lifting his hand from Kurama's lips which he had covered shut in frustration, Yomi felt a slight tremble of the kitsune's body. A soft alto voice suddenly spoke a moment later as Kurama changed his form back to the human redhead. "But I am half human. Would you still love me enough to get over the fact that you love a half breed one? Would you still consider me even with you?! Would you get behind everything I have caused to you in the past?" Kurama paused almost choked with his words. But then he continued again not giving the other man a chance to interrupt him: "How can you say you love me? You are supposed to kill me for revenge and for my betrayal! Please don't treat me with your love. I don´t deserve it! Please, kill me, that will help enough!"

Though sounding angry at the beginning Kurama's voice trailed off eventually at the end as he hung his beautiful head down, feeling tears stinging in his eyes again and not wanting Yomi to recognize his weakness at that moment. Next he found himself being lifted by Yomi's strong arms, dragged over the other man|'s warm body until he sat straddled across his lap pressed tightly against Yomi's strong large chest. Giving up his doubts momentarily he nuzzled at the demon's neck breathing in the scent of chives, basil and pepper. Oddly enough it seemed to soothe his stormed feelings somewhat. Just as he sighed with unexpected relief, firm but soft fingers cupped his chin forcing his green eyes lift to Yomi's face. „Just so there is no misunderstanding I am going to spell it for you once again: I love you Kurama so I have forgiven you everything long time ago. I'm not going to kill you nor will I let you kill yourself! You either don't want to do this as far as this is not your biggest wish! You have to believe me Kurama, I saw it in your heart." Hearing Yomi's almost soft words revealing his most secured secrets, Kurama shuddered with a look of disbelief in his emerald eyes. He was saved from responding when Yomi tilted his head back with a gentle but powerful hand and claimed Kurama's soft pink lips in a long loving kiss for the first time, supporting the kitsune's back with his right forearm. Surprised by feeling Yomi's always hard guarded emotions course through him it took Kurama's brain a few more minutes to realize he felt safe and loved again. With a soft sigh into Yomi´s mouth he moan quietly parting those soft lips, allowing the other demon better access before pulling back slightly only to say: „You already have my love Yomi. Just promise you will never leave me and never let me leave you. I am afraid I would not survive such pain ever again." Yomi's sharp ears picked up at the desperate plea within Kurama's voice. He pulled the younger demon tightly to his warm embrace before claiming his lips again, only this time turning the kiss into anything but gentle one. Minutes passed by as they lost themselves in each other's kisses. Suddenly Kurama registered that Yomi gently entered his mind with a mental note: „Kurama I love you, I always have and always will. Nothing's gonna change this so you see I will probably never let you live without my love, without me, alone again. Hell I even don't want to release you from this kiss right now! The question is: will you accept?"

Feeling the warmth contained in those loving words pool through his blood like some kind of a life-bringing miracle, Kurama reached into his red hair withdrawing a beautifully smelling blood red rose. As he placed the lovely blossom into the blind lord's palm giving it a small kiss he sent his answer the same way Yomi had used before: "I love you so much Yomi. I didn't believe you when I felt your love before and so I managed to close the door to my heart myself. Please make me happy again." Sighing contentedly Kurama snuggled his head against Yomi´s heart and the men stayed like that simply enjoying the feeling of getting to being loved by each other, allowing the reason to lose the battle for the first time, for their own happiness.


End file.
